Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms
American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .
Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.
Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smote.
Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe
Bible: Inerrant history book starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.
Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.
Christian: GOP delegate who has devoted his life to Jesus, handguns, and repealing theClean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!
Christian persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class
Class warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare, so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size
College: American version of Maoist re-education camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots, and recreational intercourse
Constitutional conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted—even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet
Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because they can afford to buy congressmen and box seats to the Texas Rangers.
Entitlement society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.
Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.
Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?
Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "eww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton
Food stamp president: Did we mention that Obama is a Negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?
Founding fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.
Free market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection, and child-labor laws
Global warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.
Gotcha journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics—often called "questions"—to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read
Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to persuade America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers
Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.
Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.